Discovering Wholeness through Tantra
What can Sex Therapy do for me?
Sex therapy can help you discover your real needs and how to communicate them. No longer will relationships be a choice between passion or safety, and the bedroom becomes a place to express yourself and how you feel about your partner.
When we hold back our desires, repress our needs, and feel insecure about ourselves, it translates to how we feel with our partners. We have sex the way we think we should, and after we’re left with feelings of emptiness, shame, or regret.
Nothing in our society brings as much insecurity or shame as sex.
It’s the rare person who can communicate openly about sex, without devaluing its importance either physically or emotionally.
But sex is both physical and emotional – it’s the physical symbol of the relationship.
Western sex therapy tends to fall under three categories: pathologizing problems, enabling performance, or encouraging hedonism.
I combine therapy with Tantra: ancient perspectives and meditations that lead to expressing our sexuality, without shame, repression or performance.
They focus on developing unity and polarity in relationships: by discovering things we are attracted to in our partners, we learn to also love them in inside ourselves.
This work can help you:
- let go of sexual compulsions and expectations
- discover what really arouses and energizes you
- find deeper intimacy and emotional vulnerability
- accept conflicting or paradoxical parts of your sexuality
- experience pleasure and passion on a deeper, full-body level
One concept in Tantra is that sexualities are neither universal or gendered.
Rather, there are five different sexualities, and each has different desires and needs. We can learn to develop all of them (and even experience all of them in a single session!), but we tend to default to one that we need to get turned on in the first place.
When you find the one you resonate with most, ask yourself:
- Am I getting this met in my sex life?
- Does this part of me come across outside the bedroom, or does it surprise/confuse my partners?
- Do I know how to communicate these needs, or do I tend to give up on having them met?
The 5 Sex Languages
Physical sexuality is what men are stereotyped as: aroused by nudity and penetration. Sex is all about the body, usually rhythmic and animalistic.
People with this sexuality are easy to arouse, and for them sex is often a (or the best!) way to unwind and relieve tension. They are usually fun and have tons of energy in bed.
Some common issues with this sexuality include being over-focused on orgasms, a lack of interest in experimenting, and being unaware of their partners’ needs.
Sensual is how female sexuality gets stereotyped. They want sex to be prepared for, to appeal to the senses, and involve tons of foreplay.
People with sensual sexuality are focused on the erotic: their sex involves the atmosphere of the room, the flow of the music, and the subtleties of tastes, touches and smells.
Some common issues with this sexuality include not getting turned on if things aren’t just right, and having a lot of difficulty getting out of the head and into the moment.
Power & Passion
The Power/Passion sexuality is common in BDSM communities, and is focused on reaching heights of intensity.
People with this sexuality want to be overwhelmed by passion: this is sex that pushes against boundaries of the body, power dynamics, and taboos.
Some common issues with this sexuality include separating sex from emotional connection, getting hung up on always needing specific fetishes, and deep shame/guilt after self-expression during sex.
We all experience Emotional sexuality when we fall in love, when we discover that tender sharing of self.
People with this sexuality are turned on by sharing moments of emotional vulnerability and understanding, and sex is less about the pentration than it is about the connection.
Some common issues with this sexuality include relying on emotional connection for arousal, and being overwhelmed or afraid of the more intense sexualities.
Etheric sexuality is about losing the sense of being a separate self and merging with your partner.
People with this sexuality are often hyper-attuned to their partners: if their lover is turned on, they’re turned on. They know instinctively what their partner is feeling, and can experience their partner’s pleasure as their own.
Some common issues with this sexuality include needing your partner to be turned on before you can be yourself, being unaware of what actually feels physically good for you, and instantly losing arousal if there is too much stimulation too fast.